Christians are Ruining Scripture.
I know that some of my less messianic readers are saying, "well, obviously," but I'm being serious here. If anything is going to drive me from the faith, it is going to be the idiotic commercialism with which we peddle Holy Writ-- but I get ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning of the story. Thesis: Catholics don't read the Bible, because it's so damn hard to buy a Bible.
As some of you know, my lovely little Catholic RSV bible with its burgundy cover never made it home from Bangor, Wales. I was left with my "New Jerusalem Bible: Saints Devotional Edition," which is nice for finding little passages written by the saints, but far too hefty for actual reading.
And then there is the problem of translation. Allow me to present a (fictive) conversation between myself and the owner of a Christian Bookstore.
Worker: What is your preferred translation?
Yrs Truly: Vulgate.
So you see the problem. The New Jerusalem Bible is out because it uses "Y-hw-h" throughout the Old Testament, a sad attempt by Catholics to pretend to be Jewish which just ends up doing injustice to both traditions. The King James, while beautiful (and what I grew up with) isn't Catholic, the Douay-Rhiems isn't sold for under $100. We're just going to pretend that "The Message" doesn't exist. The NIV is too modern and too Protestant, and the Council of Catholic Bishop's translation (the NAB) is... well... let me demonstrate.
Siesta? When I had to read that passage for mass at Calvert House, I broke out giggling.* Everyone thought that I couldn't handle the adultery, but really: siesta?
So, this leaves a RSV or NRSV translation, in a Catholic edition. I refuse to buy any Bible that claims to have "Apocryphal" books.
That brings me to my next question: Why, at Borders, are there so few Catholic bibles? And why, on the shelf, do they come after books about the Gnostic gospels?
Looking for a Bible at Borders, however, gives one plenty of reasons to a) be glad to be Catholic,** b) be ashamed to be Christian, c) start wondering if we should be fasting in reparation for all the harm done to our holy texts. Amazon.com will help me make my point.
It all started going wrong when they came out with a Woman's devotional bible. Now, there's The Bride's Bible ("Preparing Spiritually for the Most Important Day of Your Life"-- oh, and don't feel left out. There's a Groom's Bible, too, available at Borders but not Amazon.) There's The Adventure Bible, for kids. There's Immerse: A Water-Resistant New Testament and The Duct Tape Bible ("Experience the latest rage - the complete Everyday Bible wrapped in durable duct tape! Take this Bible anywhere you want to go - camping, hiking, mission trips, school, even church youth group.") Oh no! Not the Church Youth Group!
There's A bible that comes with a companion purse. There's "God's Story," presumably for teens who are too cool to read an actual bible. For the WASPy brats in your life, there's God's Little Princess Devotional Bible-- don't miss the tiara. There's the "Drink Deeply" Bible, which comes packaged in a plastic case that really just looks like a Nalgene bottle. If that's not health-conscious enough for you, there's the following "BibleZine,""Divine Health", and if you're really *that* concerned about your health, it might be because you're ready for this book, whose title I first misread as "The Menopause Bible". (It's actually "The Message: Pause")
There's a few problems here. The first is this idea of a special bible for a special group of people. This was discussed more eloquently by a protestant blogger who specializes in Jesus*** Junk & Kitzch, but I can't find his blog right now. If you know it, shoot me the link and receive my eternal gratitute. Second is the blatant commercialization of the faith, discussed rather well here. Third is the fact that this is just embarrassingly kitzchy. This goes beyond Catholic kitzch (think glow-in-the-dark rosaries) to a whole new ballpark.
So what did I end up with? An NRSV from Harper Collins, Catholic Edition. And what, exactly, makes it Catholic?
BY THE WAY: I don't feel so bad about disagreeing with Fr. Orthometer anymore, now that I've seen him take part in egregious copyright infringement of Questionable Content (Scroll down, left-hand side). I'm hoping someone sent him the banner, and that he's not responsible for it.
EDITED: For scriptural errors rooted in my past as an autodidact.
___
* And this is why I'm glad we're not under a Benedictine rule, and don't need to do penance for misreading a line.
** Or, as Sukie would say, "I'm really very glad we have a Pope."
*** You may think that you're free from this burden, but you're not.
As some of you know, my lovely little Catholic RSV bible with its burgundy cover never made it home from Bangor, Wales. I was left with my "New Jerusalem Bible: Saints Devotional Edition," which is nice for finding little passages written by the saints, but far too hefty for actual reading.
And then there is the problem of translation. Allow me to present a (fictive) conversation between myself and the owner of a Christian Bookstore.
Worker: What is your preferred translation?
Yrs Truly: Vulgate.
So you see the problem. The New Jerusalem Bible is out because it uses "Y-hw-h" throughout the Old Testament, a sad attempt by Catholics to pretend to be Jewish which just ends up doing injustice to both traditions. The King James, while beautiful (and what I grew up with) isn't Catholic, the Douay-Rhiems isn't sold for under $100. We're just going to pretend that "The Message" doesn't exist. The NIV is too modern and too Protestant, and the Council of Catholic Bishop's translation (the NAB) is... well... let me demonstrate.
At the turn of the year, when kings go out on campaign, David sent out Joab along with his officers and the army of Israel, and they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. David, however, remained in Jerusalem. One evening David rose from his siesta and strolled about on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing, who was very beautiful. (2 Samuel 11:1-2)
Siesta? When I had to read that passage for mass at Calvert House, I broke out giggling.* Everyone thought that I couldn't handle the adultery, but really: siesta?
So, this leaves a RSV or NRSV translation, in a Catholic edition. I refuse to buy any Bible that claims to have "Apocryphal" books.
That brings me to my next question: Why, at Borders, are there so few Catholic bibles? And why, on the shelf, do they come after books about the Gnostic gospels?
Looking for a Bible at Borders, however, gives one plenty of reasons to a) be glad to be Catholic,** b) be ashamed to be Christian, c) start wondering if we should be fasting in reparation for all the harm done to our holy texts. Amazon.com will help me make my point.
It all started going wrong when they came out with a Woman's devotional bible. Now, there's The Bride's Bible ("Preparing Spiritually for the Most Important Day of Your Life"-- oh, and don't feel left out. There's a Groom's Bible, too, available at Borders but not Amazon.) There's The Adventure Bible, for kids. There's Immerse: A Water-Resistant New Testament and The Duct Tape Bible ("Experience the latest rage - the complete Everyday Bible wrapped in durable duct tape! Take this Bible anywhere you want to go - camping, hiking, mission trips, school, even church youth group.") Oh no! Not the Church Youth Group!
There's A bible that comes with a companion purse. There's "God's Story," presumably for teens who are too cool to read an actual bible. For the WASPy brats in your life, there's God's Little Princess Devotional Bible-- don't miss the tiara. There's the "Drink Deeply" Bible, which comes packaged in a plastic case that really just looks like a Nalgene bottle. If that's not health-conscious enough for you, there's the following "BibleZine,""Divine Health", and if you're really *that* concerned about your health, it might be because you're ready for this book, whose title I first misread as "The Menopause Bible". (It's actually "The Message: Pause")
There's a few problems here. The first is this idea of a special bible for a special group of people. This was discussed more eloquently by a protestant blogger who specializes in Jesus*** Junk & Kitzch, but I can't find his blog right now. If you know it, shoot me the link and receive my eternal gratitute. Second is the blatant commercialization of the faith, discussed rather well here. Third is the fact that this is just embarrassingly kitzchy. This goes beyond Catholic kitzch (think glow-in-the-dark rosaries) to a whole new ballpark.
So what did I end up with? An NRSV from Harper Collins, Catholic Edition. And what, exactly, makes it Catholic?
BY THE WAY: I don't feel so bad about disagreeing with Fr. Orthometer anymore, now that I've seen him take part in egregious copyright infringement of Questionable Content (Scroll down, left-hand side). I'm hoping someone sent him the banner, and that he's not responsible for it.
EDITED: For scriptural errors rooted in my past as an autodidact.
___
* And this is why I'm glad we're not under a Benedictine rule, and don't need to do penance for misreading a line.
** Or, as Sukie would say, "I'm really very glad we have a Pope."
*** You may think that you're free from this burden, but you're not.
Labels: our far-flung criticisms, the god quad
9 Comments:
My desk reference Bible is the Revised English Bible, which while it does have something called the Apocrypha, was assembled with the full participation of the Roman Catholic hierarchy of the British Isles. Two, if you have some axe to grind about deuterocanonicality, you may file your first complaint with the gentleman who made your preferred translation. Please to read Jerome's prefaces to books like Esther. The word, madame, is hagiography. There shall come a day when there will be much fingerwagging against certain occasional residents of Tridentum and I expect Jerome's finger will fly.
By
Caelius, at 2:04 AM
I do agree with the rest of your rant, of course.
By
Caelius, at 2:06 AM
You're right, you're right. Like many things, I get them reversed.
By
Alice Teresa, at 11:14 AM
I've complained about the same before, but I was able to find a DR in the mid-20's a while back. I quite like the RSV and wish it were easier to get one's hands on a complete one without inappropriate labels and separations. I want the text of Daniel to be all in one place!
Some Orthodox will be coming out with an "Orthodox Study Bible" soon, the OT translated from the Septuagint and quite complete, but the notes will be shoddy if the OT ones are anything like the NT ones [the NT has already been published, I recommend against purchasing it].
By
Mr. G. Z. T., at 8:13 PM
"I know that some of my less messianic readers are saying, "well, obviously," but I'm being serious here."
I just realized who you talking about. Ha!
(Oh, and the not serious part, I resent that. Now whose dismissing somebody else's views!)
By
Anonymous, at 10:03 PM
Just a thought, but it might be worth investigating Moody Bible if the need for future biblical purchases occurs whilst living in Chicago. I would presume that their stock is a little more respectable than Border's.
By
Vanessa, at 7:06 AM
I can't tell if you're joking, Vanessa.
But, seriously, the co-op has a decent selection of Catholic Bibles, I was just there today. Oddly, the Russian Bible they have is missing several books, though the Slavonic is quite complete.
By
Mr. G. Z. T., at 10:29 PM
(1) I found a Douay-Rheims on Amazon for less than $40 this year (gave it to a friend, though). The seller didn't even seem to be schismatic!
(2) Why do you read Fr. Orthometer in the first place?
By
Patrick, at 12:51 AM
P: I don't. I was just looking for this link to the protestant site that he linked to once--I think. I found it on a very late night of BA procrastination.
By
Alice Teresa, at 11:56 AM
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