A Few Open Letters
Dear United States Postal Service:
I know you've been going through a hard time right now. What with the advent of e-mail, you may feel underappreciated and unloved, while overburdened with the requisite holiday cards and packages. Therefore, I was not particularly surprised when today's mail contained a card addressed to somebody else: after all, we often recieve our neighbor's mail. What did surprise me, however, was that the addresse did not live on our quiet avenue: rather, she lives on a street I have never heard of-- which is not particularly shocking, considering that she lives in a completely different zip code. The mind boggles when it considers how this tidly addressed envelope, with the full 9-digit zip code, arrived at our area post office in the first place: and how the trusty postmen at the office re-interpreted the intentions of the sender so that the card was delivered to our 194, and not her 194. I have grown accustomed to living in a world full of moral relativism and re-interpretation; postal relativism, however, is going too far.
Sincerely,
A.P. Hutton
Dear Amazon.com:
I recently recieved an e-mail in which you informed me, that my order, placed October 14, 2005, for the Compendium of the Catholic Church, has been delayed. No shit. I had, in fact, noticed that I had not yet recieved the book. I have long suspected you to be an instrument of the devil: now I know it. Please try harder next time, and e-mail me about the delay on the estimated shipping date; not two months afterwards. I will be purchasing my catechisms from the Pauline Sisters.
Sincerely,
A. P. Hutton
Dear Credit Card Company:
I don't want your card; furthermore, as I am a university student with an absolutely unmarketable curriculum vitae, you don't want my business. Please cease your mailings.
Thank you,
A. Hutton
Dear Charities and other 501(c)3s:
I have a suspicion about which of you has so kindly "donated" my address to your fellow non-profits, and I will act accordingly. Those organizations will get no more of my hard-begged for money.
Sincerely,
Miss A.P. Hutton
P.S. I would thank you for re-instating "Miss" as an option amongst the honorifics.
I know you've been going through a hard time right now. What with the advent of e-mail, you may feel underappreciated and unloved, while overburdened with the requisite holiday cards and packages. Therefore, I was not particularly surprised when today's mail contained a card addressed to somebody else: after all, we often recieve our neighbor's mail. What did surprise me, however, was that the addresse did not live on our quiet avenue: rather, she lives on a street I have never heard of-- which is not particularly shocking, considering that she lives in a completely different zip code. The mind boggles when it considers how this tidly addressed envelope, with the full 9-digit zip code, arrived at our area post office in the first place: and how the trusty postmen at the office re-interpreted the intentions of the sender so that the card was delivered to our 194, and not her 194. I have grown accustomed to living in a world full of moral relativism and re-interpretation; postal relativism, however, is going too far.
Sincerely,
A.P. Hutton
Dear Amazon.com:
I recently recieved an e-mail in which you informed me, that my order, placed October 14, 2005, for the Compendium of the Catholic Church, has been delayed. No shit. I had, in fact, noticed that I had not yet recieved the book. I have long suspected you to be an instrument of the devil: now I know it. Please try harder next time, and e-mail me about the delay on the estimated shipping date; not two months afterwards. I will be purchasing my catechisms from the Pauline Sisters.
Sincerely,
A. P. Hutton
Dear Credit Card Company:
I don't want your card; furthermore, as I am a university student with an absolutely unmarketable curriculum vitae, you don't want my business. Please cease your mailings.
Thank you,
A. Hutton
Dear Charities and other 501(c)3s:
I have a suspicion about which of you has so kindly "donated" my address to your fellow non-profits, and I will act accordingly. Those organizations will get no more of my hard-begged for money.
Sincerely,
Miss A.P. Hutton
P.S. I would thank you for re-instating "Miss" as an option amongst the honorifics.
1 Comments:
You should also publish them in fatwa form, ie, "ATTN: POSTAL SERVICE INFIDELS".
I remain yr humble servant,
Mr. G. Z. Thompson
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Anonymous, at 8:20 PM
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